If you are a regular Redbox customer, you have probably noticed there are many different types of Redbox users or "Redboxers." You encounter these Redboxers on many of your visits to Redbox kiosks. Some Redboxers are harmless, but some of them are incredibly annoying and can waste tremendous amounts of your time. If you learn to identify and understand the various types of Redboxers, you might save yourself some hassles and aggravation. Below is a guide to identifying the common breeds of Redboxers and their typical behaviors as observed in the wild.
The Brand Noobian
The Brand Noobian has become an extremely rare species since the three-month period after Blockbuster shut down. By this point, most people who will ever use a Redbox have already used one. On very rare occasions, however, you might be unfortunate enough to get behind a person who has never used a Redbox and is baffled by the technology. A Redbox kiosk is only slightly more complicated than a snack machine, but some people just cannot seem to figure them out, and they panic when it is their turn on deck. If you encounter The Brand Noobian, please do your fellow Redboxers a favor and train this newcomer on the complexities of a graphic user interface and touchscreen technology. If you do not feel up to that, please send the person away telling him or her, "If you're too stupid to figure this out, you're too stupid to watch any of the movies in that big fancy red box. If you can find your car, please drive it to your home, read a book, and, for the sake of public safety, never operate another piece of heavy machinery."
The Leaner
You know this Redboxer is trouble from the moment you turn the corner. You will often spot this Redboxer while still in your car, driving toward your Redbox destination. Visible from one hundred yards, The Leaner is the person who rests his forearm on or near the top of the Redbox kiosk. This guy is comfortable, and he is going to take his time. Do not be surprised if he reads every single movie summary he can find while you wait behind him jingling your keys and rocking back and forth on your feet, tapping on your thigh with your fingertips. Just keep on jingling and tapping. The more you do it, the longer The Leaner will lean and steal valuable minutes from your life.
Mobile Recon
The Mobile Recon guy is one of the worst Redboxers. This is the guy who was deployed to Redbox to get a movie, but for some reason he and his wife had absolutely no discussion before he left the house about what sort of movie he was to get. Instead, the guy chooses to scroll through about a dozen movies, reading the plot summaries into his cell phone. After reading the summaries, the man and his wife engage in a lengthy debate about the movie choices. Just when they have reached a decision, they guy realizes an online user reserved the last copy of that title. That starts a mini-debate over what they had previously decided was their second choice. If you are lucky, Mobile Recon will abort the mission and advance to another Redbox.
Bad Blue Snaggletooth
A Blue Snaggletooth is normally a good thing to find, but not when one is in line in front of you at a Redbox. This sort of Blue Snaggletooth is the dork who is wearing one of those idiotic looking Bluetooth earpieces that went of out style in 2007. Apparently, he didn't get the memo or happen to notice 99% of the population stopped wearing them over concerns of looking pretentious and stupid in public. These people are annoying because they will chat while at the Redbox kiosk, and if you do not notice the earpiece from behind, you will have to assume the person is deranged. Even more annoying is when Bad Blue Snaggletooth turns around, looks right into your eyes, and mumbles something. When you ask the idiot to repeat the utterance, the idiot gives you a look of bewilderment and says, "I'm talking on my phone."
Big Red Glasshole
The Big Red Glasshole is a close relative of Bad Blue Snaggletooh. Although, this guy is far beyond Bluetooth earpieces. This guy wears a Google Glass and talks to it while operating a Redbox kiosk. Please note, this creature is purely theoretical at this point because no Google Glass user has ever been seen using a Redbox. These massive tools are too busy hanging out in bars trying to get attention and ruining everybody's otherwise good time. Have confidence that eventually one of these Glassholes will find his way to a Redbox and steal several minutes of your life.
Copernicus Cinephile
Copernicus Cinephile is the Redboxer who puts a great deal of thought into his Redbox movie selection. He wants to read every movie summary and then browse through his possibilities to reconsider all options. This Redboxer may actually take more time to select a movie than he will spend watching the movie.
The Critic
The Critic can be a truly annoying little Redboxer. This guy always brings a friend to a Redbox location. You might wonder where this person managed to find a friend, but you should realize the friend is just as bad as The Critic and deserves to be friends with such a sphincter. The Critic loves to browse through the movie choices at a Redbox and announce loudly that he "saw that movie already," and "it was terrible" or "it wasn't bad." This guy will never realize that no Redbox customer will ever be impressed with a guy who has seen a lot of movies. We can all assume anyone who likes movies enough to stand in line at a vending machine outside of a store--where the possibility of mugging, kidnapping, assault, etc. are distinct possibilities--is a person who has seen a lot of movies and is going to grow bored with a detailed five-minute explanation of why the last seven Adam Sandler movies are not as funny as Happy Gilmore. Hey, Critic, they're all the same movie.
The Solicitor
The Solicitor will catch you off guard. This Redboxer wants to interact with you at Redbox. He might turn to you and ask for your opinion of a movie. If you just returned a movie, he might ask you what you returned. Be flattered if The Solicitor engages you. If he cares about the movies you watch, it means he thinks you look like a person with good taste.
The Yearling
The Yearling is a very young Redboxer who does not have a credit card and always comes with a parent. Since there are two people, they take a little longer with discussions, but the good news is The Yearling is impatient and fidgety. The child will always get the parent away from the kiosk at the five-minute mark, because The Yearling grows bored quickly and will agree to any movie in order to end the outing with his or her parents.
Bad Dad and Lad
What is the deal with clueless fathers who cannot pick appropriate movies for their children? For some reason some dads take their sons to Redbox and rent movies their kids should not be watching. Maybe the PG-13 rating should be a hint that fun-looking movie about robots, superheroes, space, monsters, etc. might have some wildly inappropriate content that was not intended for a seven-year-old boy who probably has not yet gained a complete grasp of the differences between fantasy and reality. Oh well, don't try to get involved in this bad parenting situation. If that seven-year-old boy in front of you at the Redbox kiosk does not learn how to grow into an emotionally unstable adult, how will he ever be a bad father to his own son? Thus is the circle of life.
Lil' Scout
The sweetest Redboxers are the smallest. Lil' Scout is usually a ten-year-old boy. This kid knows what he is doing because his father trained him well. He runs up to the Redbox and quickly executes a flawless return while his dad waits in the car with the engine running. The more advanced Lil' Scout knows how to check a kiosk for available titles and return back to the car with a full report for his dad. Lil' Scout, you are a wonderful little person, and you perform a valuable service for us all by keeping things moving. Lil' Scout, we salute you!
Pajama Party
Spotted almost exclusively at outdoor Redbox kiosks between sunset and midnight, the Pajama Party girls normally travel in packs of threes. These are the young homely girls that got tired of sitting around the apartment talking about why they don't have dates and decided to distract themselves with a really bad romantic comedy. They are always wearing pajama bottoms and T-shirts with some sort of screen printing on the front. They do a lot of chatting, discussing, reflecting, and laughing. These girls have little to do and no time constraints, so their Redbox experience could last for hours. You know you have seen a great Redbox Pajama Party if two or more of the girls are wearing plaid pajama bottoms and old Bon Jovi concert T-shirts. (If the shirts are from the same concert, even better. You know the girls go back a long way.) If you see three such outfits in one group, that is called the Redbox Pajama Party Trifecta. You win and lose simultaneously.
The Cheap Date
The Cheap Date is a less than prime mating pair of Redboxers. This man and woman decided their date night would be a trip to Redbox. It is important to keep in mind these two are not there to rent a movie. This visit is part of their evening. They are having the actual date at the Redbox. They will be in front of you joking, giggling, flirting, etc. These two people are in the middle of a date, and you are just the unfortunate schlub who got stuck behind them during this phase of their mating ritual.
Debate Team
With the exception of crazy individuals, the Debate Team always has at least two people who have very different tastes in movies. They will never find a movie both of them will like; however, that will not stop them from standing at the Redbox kiosk in front of you and engaging in a passionate debate about which movie they need to watch. If you encounter a Debate Team at a Redbox, do yourself a favor and give each of them enough cash to pay for a movie. Hopefully, each of them will rent a movie and just go away.
Slow Draw McGraw
Slow Draw McGraw is the person who is surprised when Redbox asks for a credit card. Somehow this person had the intelligence to acquire a credit card but lacks the intelligence to anticipate that Redbox will want a swipe from that card for every transaction. This Redboxer always spends an inexplicably long time searching through wallets, purses, and pockets looking for a credit card.
Wrong Way
This Redboxer seems to know how to use the kiosk but always manages to swipe her card the wrong way. When the machine cannot read her card, Wrong Way swipes the card at least three more times before flipping the card over and swiping it correctly. This bizarre behavior will be precisely repeated on each and every future Redbox visit until the end of time.
The Warden
The Warden roams from kiosk to kiosk, heartlessly leaving locked up Redbox machines in his wake. This is the impatient Redboxer who obsessively and rapidly jabs at buttons on the touchscreen until the machine's operating system gets overloaded and causes the machine to freeze or reset. Coincidentally, this is the same person who repeatedly presses illuminated elevator buttons and frantically pokes the crosswalk buttons. The Warden also likes to bail out in the middle of a transaction, turning the Redbox into a zombie for a minute or so. When The Warden is feeling particularly cruel, he will attempt to pick up a reserved movie from the wrong kiosk, leaving the machine inoperable for the next user until the machine resets.
Return Ninja
The Return Ninja is a highly skilled and experienced Redboxer. When you are using the kiosk, this is the person who appears out of nowhere, slips the movie in the quick return slot, and vanishes into the shadows. The job is done, and you were not inconvenienced (unless the machine makes you wait a few seconds while the returned movie gets restocked). The Return Ninja is a model for us all.
Grab and Go
Grab and Go is one of the ultimate Redboxers. This person is a seasoned pro. He walks up to the kiosk, selects the movie he decided to get long before he got out of his car, swipes the credit card he has at the ready, and rapidly punches his way through the on-screen prompts. He grabs his movie and gets out of the way. The whole transaction takes no more than sixty seconds. Grab and Go is a model Redboxer.
Swiper
The greatest Redbox hero is Swiper. He is the king of all Redboxers. He reserves his movies online before he arrives at a Redbox kiosk. He approaches with his credit card in hand. He swipes the card, gets his movie, and gets out. The best can get in and out in around thirty seconds. But uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Unfortunately, Swiper has many adversaries. Any bad Redboxer can ruin this guy's day, because Swiper has to get his reserved movie from a specific Redbox kiosk. He already paid for the movie and cannot go to a different kiosk. If there are twenty bad Redboxers in line in front of his designated kiosk, he has to wait for all of them or come back later when the flock of morons has dispersed. Swiper may have a lot of enemies, but he is a truly magnificent Redboxer, and we should all strive to be more like this model citizen of the Great Redbox Republic.
Hopefully, you have identified yourself as one of the good Redboxers, and you can now quickly identify the bad Redboxers and the potential problems they bring with them. The bottom line is this. Many Redboxers are annoying, stupid, self-absorbed, and inconsiderate. That is because Redboxers are just people, and many people are annoying, stupid, self-absorbed, and inconsiderate. So, until we figure out how to fix this defect with the human race, we'll just have to get used to standing in line behind a wide variety of idiots at Redbox.
